It has been so many days since I have felt lonely. Maybe the feeling of loneliness has finally left me. But Iam sure when it will come back. When hope leaves, loneliness creeps in slowly. But in the midst of millions of people talking about mental health, not a single word is uttered on the disease of loneliness. Loneliness is different from depression in many ways and similar at it's crux. Depression most of the times has it's root in loneliness. If only that could be killed, it could never grow into more intense emotions.
If someone has never felt lonely in their life, how do you explain the feeling to them? You can say that it's a gut wrenching coldness in the middle of the night when you're alone in your room or it could be that staggering feeling out of place in the midst of your entire class. Me, neither. None of the emotions were strong as mentioned but it was lingering at the edge of my mind, slowly eating me from inside.
Now delving further in, where does this loneliness come from. I guess most of the times it's from myself that cannot relate to people or feel a sense of belonging. Other times it could be the world, that might be cruel in making fellow people feel hard. Not that Iam blaming anybody because such things are often bought on ourselves only by ourselves. Maybe if I had begun to see that I didn't have to relate to people to feel that they're mine, it would have been different. Like now, if I had seen that there is no need for us to be on the same wavelength to belong to each other, it could have been different. Now, I think this loneliness has left because I no longer differentiate people from me just because they are not similar to me. Just this tiny shift, And even in the midst of being off phone for almost three weeks now, I still feel that Iam not alone.
But there were times when loneliness was enough to make me want to kill myself. But that, I don't think I might ever do. Spinning back to the first week of February I guess, those times are very vague in my head, lately. But I remember that I never let anyone be there for me, in any way. After an early morning shoot for a documentary, I had got a really high fever. My family never had accustomed to going to hospitals or taking tablets. So I had to wait this out. In this intense fever chills, somehow my body had stopped accepting food. Couldn't even drink water, it pained my throat. Two days passed and the fever only seemed to get worse. I don't know if I even told anyone by that point. With a 103' fever I still had to go to college that day (to get a video approved). It had aggravated me more and the next day, I couldn't even walk upstairs to get food or Rasam. Me, being the one who can never ask anyone for anything, even a little help (it could be my ego), never asked the ones next to my room to bring me Rasam or get me tablets because it was getting too much at that point. Now, my room, to a normal person would look and feel dark and suffocating. I had started feeling that by then. The dust started aggravating cold. Now I began to wish I had someone to help, not that I would ever ask for it. I wished I was atleast in my brother's house or back home with Mom. That early morning, wearing a couple sweaters, I slowly made my way down a few streets to buy a few tablets. Not even knowing the names of what I had to buy, I googled it. Then called a friend, who suddenly realized the extent of my fever. She offered to come home and take me to the hospital. Maybe I should have let her, maybe if it is today, I will let someone to be there. She called up few friends who lived near me, who then called a few times to check if they had to come. Maybe, that was the only thing that made me feel better. Back home with some Calpol, I had the sense that we couldn't eat tablet with an empty stomach. So I walked to a shop to buy bread. Now, this was in a way, the heights of the manifestation of loneliness. It doesn't look like much, but when we are really sick and when there is no one around to even get you some bread, it could be indescribable. For the first time I regretted my ego and my strength. If only I was weak enough to ask someone for help, I wouldn't have been there. For the first time I regretted leaving my room at the hotel where my old roommate lived. She was the one person who had always been there, every time, and me, I fucked it up too. Maybe I didn't ask for help or someone to be there was because I never felt a belonging to them. The only person you can ask for help (at least when you're as egoistic as me) is when you know utterly well that you have the right to ask them, demand from them to be there. At that moment I had none. There is no one I can demand to be there, no one who belonged to me like my mother did. And there are moments such as this, that you don't want to worry her too.
I think strength is born from the fires of loneliness. From the highest intensity of loneliness, you find the strength in you. But I've always wondered why I felt strong or rather self-dependant. It was because there was no other way and when I realize it today, it's a bit too hard. Strength only comes when there is no other way but to be strong. Maybe the dysfunctional family dynamics had forced me into being there for myself. Why would a person need to be strong if they had other people to be strong in their stead. I don't if this piece of realization makes me sad or happy.
All I can say is maybe things are not that bad right now, and Iam glad. Time really doesn't make certain things better, but this is not one of those. Sometimes I wish I wasn't this too late. Does time help with that? I can only wait to see.
Often talking about this topic, it always seems to be the last in a very long time. Bye bye my blog. (Cause this is my 22nd post here and I shouldn't come back till I finish chapter 22)
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