Lets talk about the one huge spectrum that everyone finds hard to navigate. I realized that almost everyone has the problem and inability to manage ‘Relationships’. It was quite a topic I never wanted to touch, love and relationships and I avoided it consciously. But when I talked to a friend early in the morning, who was going through a vey confusing time in her relationship, I thought maybe I should write what a sort of guide or a collection of throughts, neatly organised for perusal. With that, I can send it straight to friends who need it and read it whenever I need it. Then I called that guy and I hear a totally different story.
But when I sit like this, wearing warm socks in the very cold mornings, and I listen to them, it just feels like an interesting drama for me (okay the socks are fucking cute. One is coffee and the other is a doughnut).
What is a relationship.
Its reallly something that most people are curious about and imagine that they ‘need’ it. Trust me, you don’t need that relationship and you will be perfectly fine without it. What you may percieve as neeed might be that you ‘need’ that person, not the relationship and its perfectly fine. Relationship is a social structure, just like marriage and its not binding you down. Ive seen people who want to be in one for various reasons like support, not to feel lonely and stuff. I was always under an impression that these reasons were wrong. But thinking over it, this can be the only reason for any human to choose companionship. Because, at the end of the day everyone is just an individual. So there is no need for anybody to enter one, even due to peer pressure because not everybody finds the person who has the empathic levels to match theirs. They tell you that people with similiar tastes would get along well, but its not necessarily true. There is more to a person than his tastle. Watch out for who they are as a person.
What you should make sure before entering one.
Decide the nature of it and convey it to the person before you enter one. Tell them if you think its going to be short term or you envision it to be a long term one. Communication, right from the very beginning is the key. Make sure you have the ability to handle them, make sure you see all the spectrums of their emotions. Make sure they can handle the worst moments you can have too. You must have heard it so many times, but its crucial that your’e relationship is private and definitely not a secret. When the other person wants to keep it a secret, it isn’t going to end well (If you want to keep it a secret, then you don’t fucking need one. If they tell you that you shouldn’t tell anybody, run). Get it in your stupid heads, that shit isn’t romantic at all like the stupid movies tell you. Make sure you know the difference between a movie and reality. Because real life relationships have more hard moments that magical ones. Get it into you thick heads that certain things will last for years and there are other things that would last a lifetime. Beauty will definitely be a major point of attraction, but as cliche as it sounds, when you can undersatand that person and they can understand you to an extent, it has the capacity to last a lifetime. Watch out for how compassionate and empathetic they are, because at the end of the day that is the only thing that will save people and the relationship. Make sure you really trust the person, because when thy find that you don’t after months, it will leave a scar. Know their political inclinations and their stands and opinions. (if that person doesn’t take a political stand, run. Because a person who doesn’t care wouldn’t care about you too)
What should your state of mind be, to ensure you are stable.
Effort is key. I can tell this to you a hundred times. If the person is so lazy that they can’t put in an ounce of effort, run away. You ensure that you stay at a stateof mind of active effort. Because, even If you both are so perfect for each other and even have the same opinions, things are going to go down if you don’t put the effort. Make sure you both don’t spend too much and atleast spend an equal amount of money, energy and effort. Make sure your ego is controlled to an extent that you can call them twice or thrice without feeling unnerved. Try not to feel possessive, beyond a point and if you feel the other person is making you feel so, communicate. Nobody is a mind reador, everyone has to communicate to let the other person know what they are thinking. This is the backbone of it. Try to attain a balance, because at one point one person ends up knowing everything about the other and the other person just ends up knowing nothing because they weren’t as curious.
What to do when problems arise.
Just try to be there. Its more than enough anytime.Yes, there are more hard moments than magical ones. But the way you handle the worst days will make it warm and magical. Brace yourself and stay strong because, it was you who signed up for it. Try to apply logical solutions when it comes to the problems you have to solve together and apply the emotional formulas when the other person arises a problem for you. Stay calm, and never let anything they say out of fear and angeer unnerve you. And make sure you don’t say anything that can hurt that person even for a moment, when you are it the heighest of your anger and fear. If you express fear and anger like that, slap yourself hard and leaave. You don’t need that relationship. Remember that no relationship is perfect and nobody is perfect. The only thing that will take you through is how calm you can be and how much you can understand. Don’t accept repeated mistakes (but, honestly no rule is ever a rule. You would be ready to accept the same mistake aa million times, but that just tells how strong you are as a person and how strong that love is). Don’t ever accept half hearted apologies and unsincere sorries. Remember, sorry is just a word and words can never become reality. The only reality is their action. The most important thing you have to rmember is ‘you can never change a person’ (most people have this saviour complex). Nobody can really understand another completely. You cannot know the person, you can’t see them, you can’t solve them or help them, the only thing yu can do is to love them and be there. Thats enough. This applies, no matter how complex the problem is.
Should you really break up.
In modern relationships that seem to only evolve for the worst, break ups are the most common options. Go ahead when you think that the relationship is dead. Make sure you’re reasons are good. Personally, I don’t think that anything can ever be dead, it depends on how strong the people are. Now, if you in any way face any toxic behaviour and behaviour that harms you mentally and physically, reach out and run. But in a modern spectrum, everything is termed as ‘Toxic’. it has almost become an excuse and aa way to run. Make sure that the person you term as toxic is not called so just because they called you ten times a day. Iam not going to talk about the choices you can take, just because of an addiction and the fact that you’re too strong to let go for simple issues like this, because I don’t know if you would be able to handle how that ends. When you decide for things to end, acknowledge to yourself the fact that you cannot find anything like it, ever again. And when someone tells you that they don’t deserve you and try to leave, just know that they know that they don’t deserve you and don’t want to put any effort make themselves better and deserving. Make sure the other person leaves first, because after that, only they have to deal with the guilt of giving up. You can sleep better.
How to deal with a break up.
Don’t fucking look for closure. You might think that having a closure would help you, but trust me, something called closure doesn’t exist. You don’t need closure to leave things behind for good. Never send that Happy birthday text even in your sleep .When you let the other person break up, a few months will be hard because of how you feel about yourself and the sudden loss would stay. But after months, you will definitely find peace because time will do what it has to do (there are cases times will never help, but let’s only talk positive and about common cases). This might even sound cruel, but there is nothing you can do really. One day after years, it wouldn’t even matter and the person would just be a name. Writing it down will help and especially when the other person leaves, you can sleep well knowing that you had done your best. Now, own the story. Since it was you holding on, it becomes your story. Not a single moment of the story belongs to them and it is the most empowering thought that its your story and not theirs. It belongs only to you. And always forgive them before they apologize. Forgiving and forgetting is only for the sake of your peace. But when you have to ask someone to forgive you, remember that it makes no difference. Their forgivance and compassion shall be your punishment. Often, a man's punishment is to Live with the knowledge of what he has done and the hurt he has inflicted. So think a hundred times before you speak of things that would leave a scar.
Indha free advice, vechuko.
Iam already tired ra dei can't write any more. If I have mailed you this link or you find yourself reading this, I wrote it for you. Ponder over it. I’d like to end by saying that none of the above applies to me, and I shall stay furthest from these advices.
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