This song from 'A Beautiful Mind', "All love can be" plays slowly.
"I will watch you through the darkness...
Show you love can see you through.
I will watch through the dark till the morning comes..."
Has it ever hit in the face that you're getting older and time is thinning out? When my brother called me to tell me that my sister in law was going through a surgery in just few minutes, I didn't know what to say. The due date of the kid was the last of July, but due to complications, she went under the caesarian knife for an early delivery.
After half an hour the other brother called me, calling me 'Aunt'. I thought he was asking for my Ma, but then it hit me that he was calling me as Aunt. Aunt to the new little kid. A boy was born, so unexpectedly, so untimely in the midst of the dark fog. But he was far away. Even my brother couldn't see his own kid because of the lockdown. He has to wait for half a year to hold his own child in his arms.
Something about this feels so surreal, the idea of ideas of man and then the constraints of space and time. I hoped to be by their side, by my sister in law's side when the baby would be born. I even promised I would be around for the first few months (when I was in Chennai ) to take of the kid, even though I had a little uncomfort when it came to kids. So not me, not even the dad could touch his kid.
For the first time I felt this need to touch someone, hold someone and seeing a picture of him wasn't enough. The idea of a new life in the midst of all death felt so refreshing and half my fears seemed to have faded away when it felt like I shouldn't have to worry about my Ma or grandma or the loved one's death because one day my kid ( if I have one ) would be worried about my death. A perfect circle of birth and death and pain and loss. This is a law of nature that cannot be surpassed, though I wish so deeply for it.
Something about a just born baby is so soft and I look forward to the kid growing up, slowly. It's a miracle in itself, how an irresponsible person slowly grows into someone responsible Because of love. This is it, the key to things that fits with every lock. It's not success, not courage, not knowledge or power or experience that shows the way. Just love. I even spoke to atleast ten people gushing about the kid who I haven't even seen, all family people that I cringe on. The entire family was happy, the joy of new life. I haven't imagined that a little kid can bring so much joy into lives, inspite of the sacrifice and pain.
Me and my two brothers, the memories are too much, even hazy. Nights of roaming cities, just chilling away. Never felt a collective responsibility. But now, something has shifted in him and me and all of us. This feeling of being responsible for what you're holding in you're arms is too heavy and Along the way we find responsibility. This unnerving feeling of 'I would do anything' includes becoming responsible, because it's love. Right now, the number of kids Iam responsible for turns to three. One is five, the next is two and the third is just born. One thing that makes me glad is I would do anything for them. because I have to. True love doesn't spare laziness, 'the fear of responsibility' and anything that stops you from it. It's consumes it, burning it fully.
I suddenly think about mother, the countless nights she has to spend waking up all night to take care of the kid and the rest of her life in sacrifice, without any expectations. It's not a simple thing, there couldn't be anything greater than that love. That was what had been scaring me all life, the fear of having to feel responsible. But down the years, if they ask me to take that place, I think I just might. What an exhilarating experience it would be? (I'm just kidding. I will be a crazy Mom) ( I might never choose that route but it could be that Iam speaking like this because my dream of living in a studio, a carefree life full of movies and writing seems a little lonely and scary when I look at it from this point in time). But I wonder what kind of an Aunt I'll be. Will I be that nagging aunt or the one that cooks tasty food when the kids come over. Or the old cat lady. Or even the favourite aunt of all the kids? (Nenappu dhan polapa kedukumam). Oh shit, a song is running on my mind.
"All love can be". Love can be everything. "All love can do". It can do anything.
The kid is named 'Tejas'. It Means light. So, the collection so far is: Poem, epic, victory, bliss, light and truth.
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