An utterly unspontaneous life
Or a better version: an utterly unspontaneous mind. A mind should be able to get something quickly, process it and give the right answer quickly. But me, I will forever be and have always been only what they call in Tamil 'tube light'.
Had a 'whatthefuck' moment when I was talking to a guy who asked me favourite movie and novel and I didn't find any answer. Had to tack my mind for hours. I can't come up with a spontaneous answer even for questions like what is your biggest fear, what is your happiest moment, what is you dream and stuff like this. Is this because of an unspontaneous mind or having never had to answer or an uncomfortablity when it comes to talking about me. Because I can say in complete confidence that even the people I know the best don't know me, not after an extent. Not even to the closest person I can talk.
Now, when he asked about my top music, I just went offline. Why such processing time, ya shitty mind? This results in being someone who never says anything even if I have a lot to say. It just doesn't come out in the right moment!
The same for taking in compliments and when people are warm to me. Maybe the mind isn't comfortable with it because it isn't used to it.
Again, as I ponder on the word 'unspontaneous', I see how nothing that happens really affects me. I stay, my life unspontaneous, a thick layer between who iam really and what is happening. I remember something I read before that reminds me of every eventless festival. "No one comes, no one goes". Maybe the longing for a real family has gotten me over in my mind. Too bad , bye.
Appada, Rant panniyachu.
Hozzászólások