This is, I think, the most honest effort I am putting towards making a film. I thought I gave up, wrote a novel. wrote a book on farming. I thought I was done. By some fucked up timing, ended up watching Upstream Color, and this is such a struggle. This fire to make something, why doesn't it go away? Is it because it is a way to prove myself to me, or do I really want to say something to the world? fucking hell man, Shane Carruth. But ne pavam ya, ne enna pannuva. neeye aayiram prechanai la iruka.
Coming back, I have started writing a screenplay for a feature. A proper, focused screenplay. Have you ever really wanted to write something and then you get overloaded, distracted with loads of other stuff and write 10 different ideas into ten different documents? yeah. same.
so, I decided that the only way to actually finish this is by unifying the ideas and staying focused. I have been good so far, but as I write this, that resolve is slipping away. I asked a friend to write it with me, but god, I hope he refuses. I can't bear to share any ideas and can't work with him at all. I have given up ideas of making shorts or pilots. It has to be a feature. It has to be minimal. It has to have the essence of what I want. Within a budget of 10,000 rupees. Y'all looking at me like I'm mad, but the fact is, I actually can. So, yeah. 35 minutes has been written. so it leaves 45 minutes more to write, because I planned for this to be 80 minutes. I won't think about any other aspects, like cinematography, direction, cast, editing, composing, nothing. I can only think of those when I have this bounded in my hand. 35 minutes solid, and now that Iam blocked, Iam sitting here, wasting time (who says it's wasted time? one day if I lose all memories, I can come here). but what if I forget the presence of this? No one in real life has access to this blog for them to remind me.
I wish college ceased to exist, such a pest it has been in time. Now, they have research as a part of the syllabus which is just building waste by wasting time into building upon an already huge pyramid of waste. My topic hasn't been approved, just as I imagined. Now, atleast I though I could change my Compassion Fatigue (something that is really affecting people) to a research on how themes of Walden are reflected in the narrative of Upstream Color (probably only I care about it, not about analysis though. just a way to spend more time with it).
I know what my HOD does. keep us in a constant state of anxiety and fear as if she is harvesting it. And this love for making people cower when they speak, damn, no words. I'd personally bomb my department, with all my teachers, classmates in it, if I could. And I mean it in the most sweetest, non psychotic way as possible. And oh, I had custard for breakfast! and Iam making Chilli Panneer Frankie for dinner.
But how to convey the loss of identity and rebuild of it, in a visual language, where what is lost and regained is different from each other and what is lost is not just memories, but ideas, emotions, perceptions. How to convey identity merging with nature, in a proper visual language? What would be the back bone, the real basis of the film, where there should only be question and portrayal of 'What' and no 'why' and 'How" . I'll keep thinking like this and go to sleep. Ah, ma's making black tea. this reminds me, how do you represent fear of a future even in the present narrative? God, if you're even there, sathyama I don't need a boyfriend. Sathyama I don't need love (gags and vomits at the idea of it). Sthyama i don't even need friends (cringes at friends' idea of enjoyment) All I need is an editor or someone who can give something a physical visual representation of Idea. kadavule, irundhana ketuko. apdi illana direct ah give me a robotic brain chip. Idha mattum if I make and complete, I'll die happily da illadha kadavule. Oh, en department la idi vilundhalum I'll die happily, but don't take that into account.
And the last thing I want is for this to turn out into a shitty college cam project, half baked and unwatchable to an extent that I want to burn my eyes. Weirdly, I think I'll be acting in it. The story demands an ugly girl as the lead and I shall give it that.
Ugh, I really need to sort out my priorities. I give far more importance to art than my life.
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