It must have been atleast a year since I was this depressed. I just read a novel a friend sent me. It was a work of a bit of fan fiction set in DC comics.
In my defence, it was fucking sad. Somehow, the worst kind of ending to a superhero's life, I think is old age. Giving a superhero an old age would probably affect audience the most. But you know what's worst? When he cannot die but watches people grow old around him.
I've been craving or rather imagining a story, a superhero universe, where the hero is more human than ever. Because the superhero films of today never exploits the emotional side, the human side of the most powerful. They are never shown at their weakest, except probably the Lois Lane and Clark Kent lineup which was actually a good concept, but extremely unused. I even think of an India based story, but somehow it never feels real. It would be enthralling to see a man feel like god, be god, feeling as a man, at his weakest, yet at the epitome of his strength. A man struggling with the idea of duality in life, in justice, in ideology, in utter conflict with himself, trying to save the world or himself.
Okay, back to the sad story. This story showed a 57 year old Clark Kent, who as ever was young but guided himself to look older. Following the silver age of comics timeline, apparently he and Lois Lane walk away from each other Because of what he had done, inspite of their son. So, they meet at Clark's wife's funeral, after almost three decades, having a few moments to talk of everything in the past. Since she knows, she knows he hasn't aged. When she asks him what he was going to do, he says he was probably going to fake a death, a plane crash and relocate to a different country. Avlodhan, tears start to pour down and I'm attending my online class about to finish. As if on cue, a friend called, it was a conference call. I started weeping, and they started laughing. That actually felt good, seeing that how silly I was. But sometimes this side of me, I don't know what to say. Now that I have written it here, a little relieved. Ugh.
After that breakdown, I realised that I craved for death, a death before everyone in my life would die. When I was a kid, I sometimes wanted to be immortal, a superhero. Now, I think I'd rather not be one. I'd rather die, before everyone does. This must be the most irrational thing that I have never been able to form deep friendships and relationships because, this constant fear of them dying before me haunts me. Must have had many dreams like that, in fear. Because everyone is vulnerable, my mom, my friends, anyone I love. No one is an alien, they aren't superman, cha what wouldn't I give for someone to be superman, invulnerable. Then I wouldn't have to worry about them dying. Well, I know me. I'll probably be the very kryptonite that causes weakness and eventually, death.
I think I'll probably go into journalism, something I've never wanted. Who knows, there could be someone like Clark Kent in there. Nenappu dhan polapa kedukumam says my mind when it looks into many million dreams. Who else would want to be me. Sometimes though I have felt I am wrong in many places, I would never ever choose to be someone else. Maybe that is how much I pride myself on being me, the imperfect, fatally flawed, too dangerous and risky for myself, loser, too much. Maybe, in this , lies my freedom. Kedukattum un nenapu, says the song agnyaade
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