Things never become what they are not, but in the midst of illusions it's so very smooth, easy to slip into a vision of seeing things as what they are not. Since the days of social media and internet, it has been very nice to hide myself behind the validation I get there. But the inevitable nature of how it is not real catches up real soon, and that doesn't let me seek it anymore. Well, problem number one that comes with being someone who thinks too much and observes too well.
Scrolling through that feed, talking to endless people in the DMs, revelling in the likes and validation was okay for a period of time. I wouldn't lie, it was even good. The noise was very useful to hide from myself. It was a very spongy layer of cushion between me and the real vision of what Iam. The question of how long am I going to confuse this for real life comes up quicker than I can make a cheese Maggi and eat in this rain.
Now, sitting in my room looking out of my window into the rain and the stillness in the air, I know this is real. This is not a vague online validation that I get just portraying a version of me. Now though I do like the sweets and the sugar coated reality, the only thing that remains at the end of the day for me, in the nights, at 2.00 am or 3.00 am when I know Iam not okay is just me. Those are the times I cannot cheat myself like a mother telling her kid to look at a balloon flying just to eat food.
Having uninstalled every social media app from my phone, including the basics of WhatsApp, I don't think that this is an ideal thing for everyone to do. Honestly, they make life easier, but what does one do when they have to strike balance between real happiness and the one that comes from somewhere not real?.
Sending an Email to a couple of old friends felt fulfilling in a way I never imagined. The slowness that comes with the 'letter post's sort of life. I posted a few letters on traditional post today and the one thing I don't have to worry about is immediate replies. I can only think of the beautiful days of 70s or 80s receiving mail by post and sigh at having missed it. I can only think of the cartoons by the sofa with some samosas on lazy Sunday afternoons. The sense of slowness in life is very tasteful and I think it might be time to experience some of it before life takes over and Iam pushed back to the inevitability of fakeness. With this slow paced life, it's not lazy but more aromatic, like in taking every moment of existence as I live. Sitting in this rain with the black tea Ma made, I can feel every drop of the drizzle, the smell of the earth and every drop of the tea infused with ginger, lemon, cardomom and mint. But this slowness can exist even with all those apps clogging my phone and time, but will I choose to experience all of me if I have something to take me away? Probably no, not now atleast. The slowness in lifestyle is a blessing and a privilege.
With the slowness, all problems in life ceases to exist. I posted a really contradictory, frustrating letter to a friend today. Now, they might answer it after days of contemplation and the answer won't have a shred of anger or immediate emotions influencing it. It will be more of a response than a reaction and I don't think this kind of a balance can ever exist in fastness of life. Everything will be over within seconds in that.
Now, this is something online too, but the lack of validation and the fact that nobody sees these and not even I read these after writing makes it all better to use this as a medium to myself. Will I be taken over again by life? Probably very soon. All I can do is enjoy the moments in between. I won't say that life is better now, but in this cruciating self imposed silence, I can see why it is the way it is, why iam the way iam and what I can try to do.
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