This picture triggers all sorts of fears and anxiety. One might ask why, Because it's comforting and soothing, this darkness. But how long can someone exist in this comfortable dark corner of the room, hidden from the world? The question of 'vaazhkai ipdiye poidumo' is very haunting in moments like these.
We humans find it easier to talk about dreams but its cruciating to talk about fears. Because fears are infinite and binding. Somebody can help you with your dreams but nobody saying anything or doing anything will have any effect on the rational and irrational fears of our minds.
There are many forms of fears but one thing remains constant, we are only afraid of what we haven't experienced before. There could be a fear of experiencing it again too. The first time I was introduced to the concept of fear, I feared fearing things. I didn't want to fear anything and I convinced myself that I have no fear. But life isn't cute like that, it doesn't let you cheat yourself.
Beginning from the present, it's the fear of the seemingly uncertain future, the unstable career ideas and opportunities and how sure Iam that I will never be able to work under someone, not in a regular boring career. So, the next decision of farming comes in and the most intense fear associated with this is the fear of 'being left behind society and the world, alone to die in a farm'.
The most gripping of the fears that I have always had since I was a kid and still do now is the inevitable death of my mother, that would come one day. This fear never let's me sleep and I think the only reason I have ever wanted someone, like a partner or companion in life was because I didn't want to be alone when that day would come. Sounds pretty twisted to me. The next is closely associated with this, the anxiety of the pain that would come when my grandma dies or my uncle dies. I've seen enough death and they had their effect on me but nothing would come close to the death of these people.
The next is the fear of being a failure in life. It's already that Iam the only person who isn't a success in my entire family. This kind of being singled out is hard, and not understandable unless experienced. The fear of never being able to belong anywhere is one more hard hitting fear that comes when my entire family is in the next room doing a group video call and when they come into my room to talk to me, I run out or hide somewhere. They are all lovely people, it could be that Iam not that kind of lovely. If Iam not going to belong in my own family, where else am I going to.
The fear of letting go easily makes me think that if I let go of people so easily like I do now and move on from life, nothing would would stay behind for me. Life would be empty if you're too accepting and that is a scary thought. The fear of finally accepting myself is unnerving because once you accept yourself, you won't want to change. So if I accept myself that Iam this lonely person maybe that's how the whole life would be.
The next is the fear of being left alone in the last days of life as I wait for death to come. This doesn't mean those few days, I mean the last decades of life. The fear of dying of disease and bad health, alone. I have this over anxiety and paranoia that I can't handle it when people close to me don't take care of their health or have toxic eating and sleeping habits. It simply means that they could die earlier than me. Almost everyone wants to be the first one to die because who would want to stay, left in pain of loss and grief.
The next is the fear that I won't be able to resist my family convincing me to get married, eventually. If I don't resist I know I'll end up suffocated. Who knows, it could even be a good thing if I just do what they want, Because of the fear that comes with being alone because you are too picky. It could also be that I might accept their decision because Iam very good at choosing the wrong options. But if I resist their decision, there is a possibility that I won't find anyone else all life. And if I do, there is this impossible paranoia or fear of them dying before me which I won't be able to handle. Just imagine the hollowness it would give.
Thinking over this I think most humans basically have the very common fears of being suffocated by life, being a failure and most importantly being left alone in life, forever. Because I don't know how a person can handle the intense feeling of being strong and alone for an entire lifetime. I don't mean a life partner or companion especially, I mean the friends you find in life who would be there for you, till the end of the days.
Iam almost sure that many people would just have fears about the next decade, but mine are only about the last decades of life and a lonely death is haunting. I suddenly remember that everyone has kids just so that they don't stay alone in their last days but me, I know I won't do that either. Fear of pain and lack of responsibility. Even if I do take a traditional life route and have a kid, how terrifying it would be to be a single parent if your partner dies.
The next is the fear that, what I write would remain forever unpublished with months of toil going to waste, sitting on my shelf as it waits to fade out. I think this would be the most singularly twisted things that one could experience.
The problem with fear is living in the future. I think of the present as the past and it's the most painful because even the little beautiful things that I experience now would be lost because when I hug my mother Iam only consumed of the fear of being standing there alone when she dies. I should only thank myself that I don't have a past to fear of. The fear of being depressing and too emotional. The fear of having to depend upon anyone, for even one thing. The fear of being hated and feared by people for reasons even they don't understand, which I already am. The fear of never being enough or being too much.
And the final fear is that one day, I might not find any strength in me at all and finally give up. The fear of hurting people and being a reason for even a single moment of pain. The fear of losing a good life and making wrong choices. The fear of being too late.
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