இந்த பதிவின் ஆரம்பத்திற்கும் முடிவிற்கும் connection இல்லாதது போல தெரிந்தாலும், உண்டு . Have got into watching movies yesterday. Have watched a peculiar set of films. Had a conversation that shifted something in me. Nothing major or life changing, but it was something. Watched the second episode of Modern Love, have always loved that Dev Patel took. Then the long Delayed movie Mahanati. That was it, utterly captivated by the story it spun.
Generally, I never succumb to love stories like this. But somehow it managed to place this ache and fear deep into me. Dulquer salmaan had never looked better than this film and I always had a thing for vintage look. Especially his 'ammadi'. Now as I called my friend we gushed over the look he throws on the Diwali night after their secret wedding after seeing her in the saree he gave. Absolutely delicious. And we kept gushing, drooling over this particular scene in which the couple build a house and during the house warming ceremony, she clumsily drops a tray and stands embarrassed, stupefied. Now, he throws a very warm encouraging look at her before walking up to her. The bgm was totally thundering in me (yeah I have become more of a less critical person). Then my friend talked about this scene in the bar where he smiles and acts even with pain, supporting her 'ammadi'. Then the dialogue 'give me credit atleast in failure'. The end was tragic, but I enjoyes the stories as humans as I saw the flawed people. Sometimes I wonder if people were accepting how different their lives would be.
Now she suddenly said to me something that was very blood chilling. "தயவுசெஞ்சு அவ மாதிரி உன் வாழ்க்கை முடியாம பாத்துக்கோ. உனக்குள்ள ஒரு greatness இருக்கு. அதே அளவுக்கு stubbornness, திமிர் இருக்கு. தப்பான person choose பன்றது, உன்னோட காதல் ன்ற idea வே விச்சித்ரமா ஏதோ torture மாதிரி இருக்கு". I just couldn't respond for a long time. Had said ok kanna and hung up. In the little past of one relationship and two almost relationships, I have never chosen a single wrong person, but being me taking risks, Iam extremely prone to it in future. This fear of not finding a fulfilling future is now added with the fear of it ending wrong. I'll be glad if I die Young, like in 10 years. But what if I don't get a blessing like that?. Having watched queen a year ago, I saw how that woman's stubborn nature and lack of acceptance doomed her into a lonely life. Now I saw another strong woman spiral down because of love and stubbornness. My stubbornness would fuck me but maybe my acceptance could save me. Love doomed the most powerful women and I aspire to be strong and powerful. Till today, I have been brought down only by the love I had, nothing else. Maybe I should make a promise to myself not let myself let my life become like that. But then this reminds of every tragic love story I loved. Ingmar Bergman and Liv was the most heart wrenching real life story. Somehow I think it's a sacrifice that is made for greatness. And I keep wondering what I'd sacrifice to be great. What kind of tragedy and pain makes a good story great? And what will we be willing to give up for that?. Whatever it is, I just don't want to regret anything in the last of my days. I don't regret anything till today, but what if I do in the last of my days. Most of all, not end up an alcoholic.
But somehow the tale was a revelation to me about what I want out of life, but I want to make it right. The powerful twist, the name in every household, the couple who grow in power and art, what a dream would it be. Okay I'm cancelling my crush because there can never be such a dream with him because there is not even potential and blocking the guy I've been talking to this month. Ugh, adhuvum right after he followed on Instagram.
After spiralling back into my Dulquer crush, ended up watching four of his films today, including ok Kanmani. Nalladhilla da ma, suthama nalladhilla.
Since this is a THIRST post, let me collect the list of the thirst worthy fictional characters. Howard Roark from Fountainhead. Neo Anderson from the matrix. Christian Bale from Equilibrium. Gale Hawthorne from the Hunger games. Peeta mellark from Hunger games. Doctor Sudip from Bubbul (latest addition, he reminds of the guy I used to smoke with) NOT GEMINI GANESAN but Dulquer from Mahanati. (Vaarayo vennilave...) Bobby from Dear Comrade. (Pularadha!) Kathir from Pariyerum perumal (weirdly cutely attractive. Vaa rayil vida polamaaa) Mark Ruffalo from Begin again. That guy from once. Draco Malfoy, a fanfiction version. Sagar Fahrani and Dante Kruse from my novel (it's done and my editor is editing it) Adi from Ok Kanmani (such a cheesy cliche choice I know, but mental manadhil!) Ben from Never have I ever. (I should kick myself for this) Tobias Easton from divergent. Maximus from gladiator. (General and farmer duh) Nathan Algren from the last samurai. DQ from Charlie. (To the rescue theme!!)
DQ from neelakasham pachakadal chuvanna bhoomi. (An extraordinarily simple character)
Rana Chaudhary from Piku.
I hereby conclude காதலாவது மயிராவது and go to sleep. But I can't deal with how much I love the 70s. தன் வாழ்க்கை ஒரு காவியமாக வேண்டும் என்பதற்காக எதையெல்லாம் இழக்க முற்படுவானோ மனிதன். அந்த ஆசை எவ்வளவு எனக்கு இருந்தாலும் அதற்காக ஒரு படி மண் கூட நான் விட்டுத்தரமாட்டேன். ஏனென்றால் அதுமட்டுமே என்னை என்னிடமிருந்து காப்பாற்றும். But damn, how the fuck would she say no to someone like dulquer salmaan singing "varaayo vennilave". Imagine switching on TV one day and finding the guy you acted, worked with years ago, fell in love with, got married and split too and he just becomes a name after years of intimate friendship. It's just a story, fake tale but my heart goes outfor her. உண்மையில்லை என்று அறிந்தும் வார்த்தை ஜாலத்தில் மயங்க சிலரால் முடியும். அறிவேன். நன்றாக அறிவேன்.
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