Today is my sister's birthday. September the 8th. Everyone has a grandmother that says that 8 is unlucky. But yeah, my sister and me have always had a very tense relationship. Now that I decided to try not to keep people apart, push them away or take them for granted, I spent an evening with her. I was shocked to see how my own sister was very much a stranger to me.
A good custard morning. Today is my sister's birthday. September 8 th.
Everyone has a grandmother that says that 8 is unlucky. But yeah, my sister and me have always had a very tense relationship. Now that I decided to try not to keep people apart, push them away or take them for granted, I spent an evening with her. I was shocked to see how my own sister was very much a stranger to me.
I usually shop alone and always drive. But the climate was too good, mildly cold and I decided to take a walk to the town with her and shop around. Nothing much, just groceries, fruits and order a cake for her today. It wasn't as awkward but a little unsure i'd say. She is so starkly different from me that I wonder how we come from the same place. But then, it's the same with everyone. Slowly, it dawn's on me. I have always put her down, resented her. We always fought and hated each other. We were never on good terms or even talked about stuff together. But, we loved eachother. Back when I was in boarding school, I remember how I defended her. I have done it all life, I have loved her all life and it's today that I realize it. It might even sound impossible but it's true. That's how much I cared for family: none. I think I'll slowly work on giving importance to the people around me.
Then we drank some wine, settling in for the first movie that we watched together, in all these years. There might never be a day that I'll feel like sharing things with her, to actually bond. But I give her advices, relationship advices but it's feels cringey. I can't accept that she is getting older, getting her own life. My mother and her brother have a deep bond even today. I don't know if we'd have the same, in the next decade.
She has always loved the concept of birthdays, and though we are sisters we had a starkly different childhood. Hers, was filled with love. The favourite daughter of my father. I lived with my grandmother. I loved it too, but you know how a kid's mind would work. She had some good birthdays. And she cuts a cake on mine too. Her birthday was hers and my birthday was mine. She was a kid who wasn't okay. We went to the therapist once week for years. Now, I think that was unnecessary. She would have become normal on her own.
But now, father isn't here. She loved him. She isn't like, but innocent. And she still misses him and gets angry when I mention him with his name. I call him generally as Saravanan. It must have been years since I've called him father. It wasn't that I didn't want to, but it feels better to distance ourselves if we just call them by name. She finally asked me why. I did say. And she did understand.
She is right now at a phase, a teenage phase where they read hundreds of silly romance novels and wonder what life would be. I'm surprised that we actually had a heart to heart with her. She was getting older, and I could do nothing but see. I had to tell her something, a few things why not to romanticize the novel's she was reading. I remember one story I read because my classmate forced me to, saying that it was similar to my relationship story. When I found that my sister loved it, the 'After' series, I was upset. She wouldn't understand why toxicity isn't romantic even if it seems that way. I tried to tell her how it is different for me and I could take it because I was simply different and was strong and it wouldn't be the same. Of course she wouldn't get it. That's how kids are. She turns 16 today, grade 11. Her worldview is a little hazy, romantic, hopeful and I don't want to destroy that.
And then we went for a late night drive around. I dressed up, actually applied some moisturizer that prevented skin from the dryness that came with the heavy winds. I actually wore that perfume, and I felt that I smelt good. I didn't know why I hadn't felt like I ever smelt this good. It was a good perfume, mild vanilla with undertones of sandal, rose and black musk. Back when she came to Chennai, she stayed with me and I took her around for a movie, for a dinner and she met my friends. Of course they loved her, saying that she was so different from me and is actually bright. Well, fuck.
Well, and then, fuck online classes. I ranted to almost everyone. Now I just want to sleep. I usually wake up early, by 5 or 6. But I think I'm more sleepy during the entire class period. Like hazy and sleeeeeepy. And I hate class. I hate my classmates. But when thinking of what would come after, I think this is better.
Oh, and I have been forced to apply for CAT by a friend who wants us to do masters together. Then, I think I'll apply for TISSMAT for a masters at TISS at Hyderabad. Sometimes when my friends want to go with them to Canada or Europe for masters, I almost say yes. But I don't want to do masters, I want to work. I don't even want to work, I want to be lazy. Ugh. Okay.
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