Standing down a streetlight, listening to a slow hum, trying not to think of why i cannot speak to anybody without getting uncomfortable and the day. It is human nature to be very attached to things we put effort into. when we want to do something so much and have put so much time and effort into it, we want it to be worth something. But the day i would accept that it doesn't always have to be that way, i'll probably find so much peace.
This has followed me all life, where i would put too much effort and time and toil into something, in spite of my laziness which i used to have. but everytime, all that effort gets wasted down the drain. It is very cruciating for a person like me to give up on anything that i have begun, due to various reasons. but when it ends with all of it futile, nothing can save from the pain that comes. the most important contributor to this is my HOD and mentor, lately. We can never judge anybody at any cost, but we can judge how we are made to be felt. There are many moments, the most painful being a little documentary which i put so much effort into. It was the single most harrowing event that changed my perspective of putting effort and how compassion can vary in people. The next was today, just another day where my time gets wasted because she couldn't understand what I said and put me on a completely uninteresting track of research.
I have learnt over time how putting effort into anything worthless is a waste of time. I am even confident that i can live without getting a degree because the world is moving into a different phase. Ippo poi online class research nu noyyinoyyinu. I should also try not to get attached to whatever I am doing, but at times I am incredibly workaholic. But getting attached and expecting things would always end in one way and we all know what way it is. Maybe i give too much importance to stuff that don't matter at all.
But i wonder if anybody can really know the value of another person's feelings. I think every feeling we make another person feel, every word we utter and every thought we think matters and is registered in this universe. Nobody can escape from the results of their actions. I wonder how someone can live with the knowledge that they have caused someone a single second of pain, let alone immeasurable pain. Maybe i have the wrong set of people around me. Where does one apply for rays of sunshine, bubbly, gushing people who only are filled with goodness, love and joy?
Today is drowned in this idea of a questionable future and what the fuck am I doing wasting my time in research and getting it constantly killed or misunderstood. How the fuck did I just write down for 4 people when nobody had any idea or knowledge to help me? Ugh. Maybe I should seriously think about farming as an option for the future, apart from writing. But I am sure about one thing. A change is needed, something that can shift somethings. I am placing all my bets on August.
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