Today is the birthday of someone I really love so much. I think the sudden end to life, the way it ended for the friend last week made me appreciate what I have more. There are really just a handful of people whom I love and who love me and there must be only one or two that understands me, which I think is lesser than that, because one person cannot understand another and I'm making peace with that.
Well, this is the only person I broke the " I don't post shitty cringey birthday stories in Instagram " for. Not that I really use it, I just pop into Insta for five minutes once in a week.
I am learning to appreciate the living people, the very few ones I love because I have to cherish them. it wouldn't do if I lost them too. This person whose birthday it is, Meghna. She is 25 now. Meghs. I met her last may. May 2019. Spent a month with her. I talk to her once in six months. That's all. But I have never loved someone like this. The way my face lights up and lips curve up when i text her, it was a bond beyond comprehension. We are so similar yet so contrastingly different. that made me realise how people didn't have to be similar in order for love to exist. Just one month, my life and hers came unveiled. We helped each other through the hardest of stuffs and there wasn't a single thing we left out. Life, love, eww boys . She was in love a guy there, who I respect so much. It didn't work out, but I could see first hand the effect of something like that and vowed to myself I'd never be there. But if you ever heard of something called divine, unexpecting, unconditional love, you would find it in her. I was shook. She helped me through some stuff, and I don't know how, I had actually moved on from some stuff. We both had father's we didn't like, we both lost him at 15. the guy she was in love with, was actually my friend from Chennai. This was a pleasant surprise, what a small world? Then she made fun, telling how that I'd find the love of my life at her wedding. Well, I sure am looking forward to that. We both. That's all. That month was the best birthday in my life, the atmosphere blooming with love. She changed me to a degree, made me care about myself. Made me a little less introverted. It's because of her that I feel hopeful. That life can be bright, and with sunshine.
I don't pick calls because I'm usually anxious and I'm exhausted when I talk to people. But I should say, I was glad to pick her's up and talk for three hours straight. Trust me, I've never spoken to anyone for three hours. And I know I wont talk to her for the next six months, maybe till my birthday. Wow, birthdays are for this reason? Sick. But isn't it me that is supposed to call for her birthday? Well she knows I wouldn't. So she did. She knows me too well I think and her constant dialogue is "why are you like this k" with a disappointed look. But inside, I know she loves me.
Okay, I rejected when she asked if she could join this guy, the one she is in love with a nd my friend on a conference call and man, she was disappointed. I know it's something easy, but I'm exhausted for today.
If I wished for all good things, I'd wish them for her.
But I'm beginning to cut off from her too. The fear of losing her too is too painful.
The worst thing about me, even if I love her this much, even if I know I should cherish people to save them, I would be too tired to attend their calls. I have always been extremely exhausted, tired when I speak to people, how sick is that. Talking to people doesn't get me anxious, it makes me exhausted even if I love them, know them so well. I will never find something to talk about.
The dust is beginning to settle, like how a muddy river becomes clear over time when the soil sediments on the bottom. I think I feel like that now. His death last week was quite stirring and I felt unclear, unable to make sense of an ending. Now, the pain is there, but it's more calmer, more steady. I don't know if anyone can understand exactly what it means.
This calmer way of experiencing emotions. Like the pain is there, love is there but everything is calm, balanced in me. I stand quiet and calm these days. Nothing shakes me. Do I still feel jealous, angry, sad, happy, joyful? I do. But on a calmer, subdued way. I thought it would take a lifetime to achieve this, but here iam.
I still am making peace with everything, as it is. I do feel that the world is unfair, that people can be cruel, that there are good people put there but I don't know them and there is a regret that I don't have friends like them, I'd give anything for it. But I'm making peace with the fact that it might never happen. I'm making peace with the fact that my life doesn't have to be a success or failure. I'm making peace with the fact that nobody can understand another person, nobody understands me and there is nothing that can be done. I'm making peace with the feeling of being inferior, of being a little ugly. I'm making peace with the fact that underneath iam quite a dark person. But I have changed so much. If I can have a change tracker, this one year I would say, was a total arc. I have never changed all life compared to the last one year. I'm making peace with the fact that I will never belong in this world. I'm making peace with the fact that there is no superman, no Clark Kent in this world (I know, too stupid)
I think, the calm way of experiencing emotions and making peace with everything as it is will save me at night, save me from an insomniac night.
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