Reading the last three posts that has a glimpse of romance I've been writing, then the post where I talk about memories and how terrified I am to forget, a wonderful message came in. It was 'Watch Upstream Color'. I have never got into the Shane Carruth phase, not really. I expected something like Primer when I put it on, but a matter of 96 minutes and I am hypnotized, mesmerized, a rare cathartic stream of tears down my face. I can say that I have never seen something so complete, intimate as this felt. It would be a disservice to compare this original piece to Terrance Malick, but that is what I feel. maybe no one else does.
I have heard people say that we are always attracted to someone or something that we cannot understand. the same with directors and films. But I strongly feel that we are the most attracted to people, directors, films that are un understandable and the world struggles to make sense of it, but you can easily grasp what the film is or what the person is. They say Shane Carruth is inaccessible and there is no entry to Upstream Color, but I think this is the most accessible film, easily understandable film he will make or has made. I say this after glimpsing through he scripts for the Modern Ocean and A Topiary.
There are many things I want to talk about him and his films, but it would be utmost injustice. But I regret, deeply regret and Iam angry at the world where a man like him cannot make his films when there is loads of bullshit floating around.
Kris and Jeff, something about them is incredibly relatable, the way it feels so naturally unnatural. I don't know if even one friend of mine would be able to understand when I tell them how deeply moved I am and how this bond between Kris and Jeff is something incredible, unnatural, natural, something else. Their dynamics is based on need and even though it doesn't feel like a love story, a corner of my heart relates to it and calls it a love story. It is more of a codependent coexistence because of circumstance than just love. But that's enough, is what they say. I expected that I'd relate with Kris. But, no it has to be Jeff.
'As if it would have a universal and memorable ending', what the fuck. I didn't know this guy could compose like this.
It's safe to say that he is the latest addiction and obsession. I have never been able to live without being obsessed about something or someone at any point in my life. Now that he has taken the spot, Mahanati has left and I can ask Dulquer Salmaan Who. I've got to say this, in a weird way, This Shane Carruth is incredibly hot, or it could be my attraction to the person that makes me feel this way. Okay, he is as old as what my dad would have been had he been alive, so i'll look away.
Man, his ex girlfriend Amy Seimetz seems to be something too, with her own work. She seems stable in art, but her art is never good as him. He seems like an unstable piece of shit with unbelievably amazing work. Somehow I wonder how good it would have been if they were still together. He is going to die a sad, lonely man and nothing can change that. I feel angry, somehow at the world for letting him leave the cinematic world without a completion. But Iam glad that he is leaving film, a man can only struggle and be angry for so long. It is weird as fuck right now, I have watched this film so many times and I am still immersed in it. The matter of these allegations come, where his ex girlfriend has accused him of abuse. His art is his art and that's all. He is still an asshole who tells his girlfriend she deserves to die.
Now is when Iam going to do something bad, using this film to do my research for college. I believe that the worst thing you can do to a film is analyse it and I feel so guilty that I have to do it now. Fuck me. I hate film critique, analysis. we always read too much into it.
There is this strong need to make a film, a fire. this fire was absent for months, but here it is back. I feel the burning desire to write and direct a film, something that can make me satisfied, at least one film. that is enough. and also this sudden need to act is coming through me. Though I never had the looks for it, I had made a good Lady Macbeth. There is also this short film i did in college, which i thought of, directed, acted and cinematographed and edited in a matter of two hours. That day was a little special because even the guys who hate me came to me and said that it was wonderful. I would say it is shit, but I know i have it in me to make something good. But, sadly, I find that I am unable to. You can force your story's shape, but the color will always bloom upstream. I think I feel a little less loney after seeing that film.
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