After a very long time, I finally went for a ride in the hills, along the woods. there was a mild drizzle and my skin froze. a constant breath of fresh wind, wet and salty against my face. My headphones played some shuffled songs and maybe i shouldn't have listened to music. Never thought I'd ever say this, but Taylor swift isn't completely shit. in a corner of her she had such a song like 'Seven' and 'August' and 'My Tears' in her 'Folklore'. It brought back too many things i have never thought of in months. "I didn't have it in myself to go with grace" She has grown in to a better writer. Okay, then this Dear Comrade, a movie I loved a bit too much came up. Somehow, it brought to me my old wishes of going on a ride to the Himalayas, a quiet, a loud, a healing, an enthralling trip. I should do it as soon as I finish college. It is in alone rides across this countryside that i wonder where i belong in life. At times it is this indescribable need for solitude and an unbearable loneliness that coexists, but other times, i feel so loved, so blessed in my life. I am really so blessed. Even if there is a possibility that i might never find where i belong, something like a family, I am still incredibly blessed.
For a long time, it has been on my mind. Are all humans the same? Isn't there no one like a miracle, a breath of fresh air? As far as i have seen, and i have been afraid to see, I have seen the vilest humans, which includes me. I have seen cruel, selfish humans, which includes me. but somehow, if i haven't seen beautiful, compassionate human beings, is it because i don't search for humans? because I am too lazy even for that? Maybe the kind of people I expect to exist aren't because I am not that kind of person myself. Even after putting myself through some harsh situations and trying to be kind, i have found that there is still a little selfishness and a tiny bit of sadism left in me. Maybe if I change, everyone will. So, down here on earth there are no heroes, no angels, no fairy tales. it is how much someone can change themselves for the better. My next stop is to try being more accepting and letting go of attachments i have, even with food or cake it may be. Right now, I am trying to be something fresh, away from the past me, the friends who suffocate me.
How long am i going to keep writing in here? not more than the end of July, i presume. Things will change in August. Something tells me August and the further months will be fresh, and something indescribable. Wow, end of July? tomorrow is my Mom's birthday. And I think i'll make Halkova, bake a cake for her and make my own incredible biriyani (idha na solla kudadhu, but idhu dha unmai). The biriyani I make is the best and Iam the brand new cooking master.
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