The physical pain the throat when we can feel ourselves creeping into the dark space of our minds has taken it's toll. Fragmented like a prism, but not in colours, every shade that comes from the other side of the prism is just different colors of darkness and some gray. I see no white. No pastel colours, no pink of Japanese cherry blossoms, no pale blue, no lavender of wisteria
This world, no one can be but me. No one can enter, nor can they leave. The world that Burns and the heat has no way to escape, swirling around and around inside the same world. Sometimes it's an ocean where you don't know to swim. There is no question of being saved because this world, only I exist. No one else can. Succumbing back into what I belong, I embrace it. There is no other way.
There is no reason, no meaning. No will to even think, to wonder any longer. There is only burning coal and there is no sight of the spark either. There is nothing to stop the fire, it will do what it does and burns the entire world to ash. But there is peace. Endless peace. What the fuck does one do with the heavy silence of peace. If I find that, I think I might just survive.
There is no beginning. There is no end. There Is only this never ending search for the end and having to deal with finding none. maybe all of this came back because I'm in the last chapter of my story. The last time the fire was this intense, I had begun this.
Over the fire in that wavering space of dissipating heat, I see many things appearing and disappearing. They don't exist. Does this world not exist or do I not exist? My eyes doesn't capture the light of anything far away because of the dense smog between.
The rain washing my hair, hitting my face, doesn't seem to do anything with that fire or the dry sands. The rain doesn't enter my head, soothing me and I don't know if anything more dangerous can ever happen to me like the bone chilling rain and the smell of Earth doesn't reach my heart nor soothe the burning throat. No matter how cold water I drink, it doesn't exhaust the flames.
I would wish this upon no one but me.
P.S. this shit is too dramatic, but I write like this sitting in the rain sipping into black tea. The idea of creating a Virtual box within the mind came from installing a virtual machine software to install an additional Linux on my laptop. If we can create an additional virtual machine box in the head, we can lock thoughts and feelings like this and keep it shut down. But how can someone shut themselves down, fuck.
コメント