There are so many moments in this short life, wishing for so many things to be in a way I want them to be, just to be happy. But where real Joy lay was somewhere totally unexpected. Totally unforeseen. It came not from being fearless, but from doing things that I had to do and be the person I had to be , inspite of fear, with fear. And happiness did not come from little things, as the cliched saying goes. It came from being the best one could be. By just being the best and doing the very best that can be done with every inch of our Soul, cones a happiness that never leaves. But this happiness came to me with a knife over my head. The knife of Having to do the best, which alone negates the expectations and the pressure of the result. Happiness came from doing what needed to be done, not expecting the outcomes. It came from accepting finally the insignificance of my existence and the pride of not being the best. Happiness came from the holding shame in the most prideful way a man can. Happiness came when I sat to actually write, instead of telling people that I wanted to write. Happiness came just like how the words that seemed to flow onto the typewriter as I sat down on it, punching the letters. It came with forgetting the world, and drowning in my own and living the life my characters lived. It came with not remembering for even a moment what hurt me in the past. It came with letting go and forgiving without my heart begging for closure anymore, because this body has become a museum for the art of letting go. It came with a satisfaction of a good day's work and the joy of not wasting any moment when I lay my head on the pillow before a deep sleep. Happiness creeps into me in a breeze. It then came with the sun rising in my world. And it comes in waves when I see the word count on the old version of Microsoft word on my system count to 20,000 only after four days and it comes with how much more I can write. It comes when I realize that I hadn't been online for more than ten minutes a day for a week. And I can say I have been the happiest woman on Earth for a week even in the middle of every horror I live in and every tiny problem I see. And it came with listening to "Now we are free" and Maximus dying in the Colosseum, and going home, as I realize I don't have to long for a home anymore that I would definitely find one day. It is me, the happiest woman on Earth.
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